Thursday, December 16, 2010

Clive Runnels Demands a Fence in the Manitoba Herald

The latest in a wave of right wing emails, is this story:

“Build a Damn Fence!"
From The Manitoba Herald , Canada ;
by Clive Runnels, August 1st 2010

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves." A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age." an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them." an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
The first clue that this may be fake is that The Manitoba Herald closed down on August 2, 1877.

This story is likely written by an American who has no Canadian historical perspective. One who does not know for example, that English Canada was founded by a wave of US immigration after the War of Independence, people who came to be known as the British Empire Loyalists. Later on, Canada became a terminus of the "underground railway" for slaves escaping their bondage in the USA. As recently as the Vietnam war, Canada took in thousands of young American who did not wish to fight, known as "Draft Dodgers".

So here is a funny story, this time written by a genuine Canadian (me), of the next big immigration wave from the USA.

In the third decade of the twenty first century, global warming had become severe. Not only had New Orleans disappeared, but also Los Angeles, Miami, and Washington. Droughts had devastated the US, and it's economy was in ruins, partly because jobs had gone to China, and partly through endless tax cuts to the rich, who now owned everything, while the rest were homeless and starving.

Meanwhile Canada's permafrost receded and settlers were starting move up to the previously uninhabited north. Canada, a liberal, well managed, tolerant country had opened the border to Americans, but millions of Hummer driving Limbaugh listening NASCAR watching conservatives were afraid to go to Canadian Welcome centres because their heads were filled with anti-Canadian propaganda.

So they began to swarm across the border in convoys of heavily armed camouflaged four wheel drive pickups, carefully avoiding high danger areas such as wind farms or evolution museums. When they got stuck, nice Canadians helped them out, gave them, a place to stay and food, and suggested they go to a local immigration welcome centre. But the new American refugees were afraid their guns would be registered, or they may have their Holy Bibles confiscated, or they might be refused the right to pray or say Merry Christmas."

"Nonsense" said the Canadians. "We welcome all religions, all types here. We even let Americans buy up all our prime land and fly the USA flag on it. That's because we're just so nice. We even have a political party for you, the Conservative Party of Canada, that believes in Biblical creation, and destroying the environment, and pre-emptive wars, and torture. You're going to love it here."

"We'll see about that. Right now, two of our children have gunshot wounds from playing with their automatic 45 caliber handguns. Is there a hospital around that can take care of them?"

"Of course, and it will be free of charge too."

"What! That sounds like some kind of socialist guvvimint run death camp! Turn the truck around, Thelma. We're heading back south to Freedom!".

"Sorry to see you go, eh?" Said the Canadian. And then as they were covered with the rooster tail of mud from the truck's spinning tires, he turned to his wife and said "They seemed like such nice people, too!"

Picture: Vancouver Sun. I got it off this American website:


  1. Omigawd! Myron Floren! ('... the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show') Showing my age (or my parents' taste in music, in any event) or what?

    Delightful post ... enjoyed both the 'Manitoba Herald' article and your own take on this.

    BTW ... out of curiosity, I just Googled "clive runnels" manitoba herald and got 'About 15,000' hits. This story seems to appeal to everyone, left, right and centre ... LOL!!

  2. Hope you noticed, my blog is currently #2 out of the 15,000.

    You can share the prize money for naming Myron Floren with my mother (and she has no access to the internet! Not that you needed it, of course.)

  3. Yes, I did notice that your blog was in the Top Ten from Google.

    Myron Floren? How could I forget? My dad was a huge fan. And subjected me to accordion lessons for years and years.

    I had a real hate on for both Floren and his boss, Lawrence Welk. Although I did eventually forgive Myron - 'twas not his fault I had to practice the accordion every day after school :-(