How to Make a Pact With the Devil

It is starting to get out of hand. Since I have posted the details of Bush and Obama's pacts with the devil, because of Pat Robertson's TV comments, I am getting a lot of hits from people looking up "how to make a pact with the devil" on Google.

I might as well confess I just made a pact with the devil myself. It was mostly because I wanted to get more hits on my blog. I figured it couldn't hurt to try. So apparently this is how the Devil rolls, eh? I get my hits, but only when I blog about how to make pacts with the Devil.

So here goes. The basic equipment is parchment (paper will do), and a strong NO in advance to all you geeks hoping you could do it by email or twitter.

Next you need a quill, an ancient form of writing device, made of a goose feather, but any sharp object will do. The quill is only better in that it holds more blood and allows you to write more words before needing to dip the point again. I won't go into the many other advantages of quills because I know anybody so lazy as to make a pact with the devil to avoid a little work, is going to just use a thumbtack or a nail. By the way, don't worry about the nail being rusty, tetanus is going to be the least of your problems. For Canadians, Canada Geese feathers are OK but those things bite like sons of bitches!

You next need to wait until just before midnight to write the pact, as Lucifer picks it up on the stroke of midnight, and it has to be fresh. In normal conditions, a pact can last for an hour, but when it's below -10c, it can stay fresh for up to 12 hours. (again a little help for Canadians there). The best place to get the blood is not your thumb, it is the crook of your elbow, whichever arm you are not writing with because you might inflict real damage if you do this drunk or stoned out of your mind, and you still need to write. Actually, getting drunk and stoned are highly recommended unless you need to drive home after.

Give yourself enough time to write what you want to write, and please be brief and to the point. I cannot stress forcefully enough how much the Devil gets impatient with run-on sentences, sentences without objects or verbs, and sentences that end in prepositions. He is however, remarkably tolerant of bad spelling, given his fussiness about syntax.

I suggest that you do not waste your time adding caveats, time limits, or late penalties. Hint: he is the Devil.

About a minute before midnight, put the parchment on a table, and say "Come Lucifer" three times. For French Canadians, reading this, an important note, you only say it once in French. And don't use Google's translation, say "Vien ici Diable".

I would advise getting your hands out of the way before the stroke of Midnight as precaution. Then look for the Devil's own instructions that he will leave as he takes your pact. Don't worry, they are never difficult to follow. It's not a trick by the Devil, it's just some stuff to be aware of to get the full enjoyment of your new pact. Kind of like the warning labels on a new computer, but these ones you don't ignore.

Any number of people can be in on a pact, they just need to be there at the handover. But unless instructed otherwise do not inform other people who were not present, of this pact with the devil.

I think that just about covers it. You can leave questions in the comments below if there is any confusion.

Next installment: Since the Pat Robertson voodoo doll has been taken off eBay, I will have instructions for how you make one yourself. Don't worry about the eBay doll, it was a hoax and besides, the bidding was up to $750.00 just before it got taken down. I know what you're thinking, and don't try it!