Wednesday, January 20, 2010

How to Make a Pact With the Devil

It is starting to get out of hand. Since I have posted the details of Bush and Obama's pacts with the devil, because of Pat Robertson's TV comments, I am getting a lot of hits from people looking up "how to make a pact with the devil" on Google.

I might as well confess I just made a pact with the devil myself. It was mostly because I wanted to get more hits on my blog. I figured it couldn't hurt to try. So apparently this is how the Devil rolls, eh? I get my hits, but only when I blog about how to make pacts with the Devil.

So here goes. The basic equipment is parchment (paper will do), and a strong NO in advance to all you geeks hoping you could do it by email or twitter.

Next you need a quill, an ancient form of writing device, made of a goose feather, but any sharp object will do. The quill is only better in that it holds more blood and allows you to write more words before needing to dip the point again. I won't go into the many other advantages of quills because I know anybody so lazy as to make a pact with the devil to avoid a little work, is going to just use a thumbtack or a nail. By the way, don't worry about the nail being rusty, tetanus is going to be the least of your problems. For Canadians, Canada Geese feathers are OK but those things bite like sons of bitches!

You next need to wait until just before midnight to write the pact, as Lucifer picks it up on the stroke of midnight, and it has to be fresh. In normal conditions, a pact can last for an hour, but when it's below -10c, it can stay fresh for up to 12 hours. (again a little help for Canadians there). The best place to get the blood is not your thumb, it is the crook of your elbow, whichever arm you are not writing with because you might inflict real damage if you do this drunk or stoned out of your mind, and you still need to write. Actually, getting drunk and stoned are highly recommended unless you need to drive home after.

Give yourself enough time to write what you want to write, and please be brief and to the point. I cannot stress forcefully enough how much the Devil gets impatient with run-on sentences, sentences without objects or verbs, and sentences that end in prepositions. He is however, remarkably tolerant of bad spelling, given his fussiness about syntax.

I suggest that you do not waste your time adding caveats, time limits, or late penalties. Hint: he is the Devil.

About a minute before midnight, put the parchment on a table, and say "Come Lucifer" three times. For French Canadians, reading this, an important note, you only say it once in French. And don't use Google's translation, say "Vien ici Diable".

I would advise getting your hands out of the way before the stroke of Midnight as precaution. Then look for the Devil's own instructions that he will leave as he takes your pact. Don't worry, they are never difficult to follow. It's not a trick by the Devil, it's just some stuff to be aware of to get the full enjoyment of your new pact. Kind of like the warning labels on a new computer, but these ones you don't ignore.

Any number of people can be in on a pact, they just need to be there at the handover. But unless instructed otherwise do not inform other people who were not present, of this pact with the devil.

I think that just about covers it. You can leave questions in the comments below if there is any confusion.

Next installment: Since the Pat Robertson voodoo doll has been taken off eBay, I will have instructions for how you make one yourself. Don't worry about the eBay doll, it was a hoax and besides, the bidding was up to $750.00 just before it got taken down. I know what you're thinking, and don't try it!


  1. My sources advise me that, in order to be strictly enforceable, a pact with the devil must not only be written in blood, but must also be written in Latin.

    Unfortunately, Google's Translation service's list of languages does not include Latin (No - Latvian is not 'close enough').

    Whatever, you do, don't write your pact in English - which is notoriously ambiguous and has created well-paying jobs for hundreds of thousands of lawyers (many of whom studied Latin as part of their education).

  2. That's a good point, though I must warn you, whether you have written it in English, French, or Latvian, the part where the Devil gets your soul is still binding.

  3. Precisely! ...

    A contract with the devil is just like the contract with your credit card company ... they can change the terms of the contract at any time, but you cannot change anything and must abide by any changes the bank cares to impose on you.

    The part where the devil gets your soul is always binding. But the part where you get to become rich, famous and happy ... that part better be written in Latin and, even then, the devil will try to figure out some way to shortchange you.

  4. Just a quick update on the 'End Times' front ...

    This week, the Virgina House of Delegates approved a measure which will keep the Antichrist at bay.

    End times biblical prophecy predicts that the Antichrist will soon appear and force everyone to accept the 'mark of the Beast' in their persons; that 'mark' could easily be the microchip.

    Gotta wrap this post up now ... I'm off to reread The Book of Revelation.


  6. Sorry if I did not make it clear enough in my writing. I think the Devil does not exist, and I make jokes about the Devil just for fun.

  7. is your post true? whatever you written?truth please (:

  8. The devil does not exist. That's the truth.

  9. 'The devil does not exist. That's the truth.'

    Hmmm ... This surprised me ...

    'Signs of demonic possession accepted by the church include violent reaction to holy water or anything holy, speaking in a language the possessed person doesn't know and abnormal displays of strength.'

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  11. so is this real or not you are a very contradictory person seems to me...

    1. The original blog was an attempt at humour. I thought it was funny, but apparently some people who found it while searching for a way to make a pact with the devil did not find it so funny. In my comments, I tried to explain that I do not believe in the devil, the devil does not exist.

      However I do believe that my method of making a pact with the devil is well researched and just as effective as any other you will ever find, so you are welcome to use it, and I will leave it posted on the internet for the benefit of all: both believers and non-believers.

    2. That notwithstanding ... this blogger - like most of us mere mortals - can often appear to be 'a very contradictory person' ... LOL!

      In any event, the devil exists only in religion, which as all reasonable adults realize, is simply a fairy tale for grown-ups.

  12. I thought by signing in blood will do?

  13. Do u say it once in French then say Lucifer 3 times