Monday, January 4, 2010

What, Exactly, Is Buddha's Golf Handicap?

I don't usually watch the Fox News Sunday, even though it is available in Canada. (Unlike the Fox News Network, which I can't get, and probably wouldn't watch unless I needed to raise my blood pressure for medical reasons)

But I saw this on the Huffington Post about today's Fox News Sunday, with Brit Hume advising Tiger Woods to become a Christian.

Apparently Tiger is only a Buddhist, and the upgrade to Christian would include the necessary forgiveness to get his life back together and his family, and provide a great example to the rest of the world, according to Fox TV commentator Brit Hume.

In the past I have written my immortal classic on a similar topic, titled "What Kind of Motorcycle Does God Ride?". Now I get to ask the question "What is Buddha's Golf Handicap, and why is it better than Jesus'?"

The first assumption is that without his superior golf ability, Tiger Woods is just another guy like me that nobody would care about. Brit Hume would not be talking about him. Nike wouldn't be sponsoring him. Nobody would watch him on TV. Cocktail waitresses would not be throwing themselves at him. He would not be making $100 million plus a year. For all I know, maybe his wife wouldn't have even married him.

Tiger has done really well with Buddhism up to now. With all those Christian golfers out there, you know some of them had to be praying to Jesus to get that long putt in the hole. Let's face it, Jesus couldn't get the job done as consistently as Buddha. And please, no excuses about "God is away protecting our troops in Iraq", because Tiger was winning long before that situation came up.

So no matter what bells and whistles Christianity has to offer, that Buddhism seems to lack, the biggest reason to not piss off Buddha is for the sake of his superior understanding of golf, compared to Jesus.

However, Brit may have a point about the forgiveness angle. As a Christian, you have not inconsiderable leeway for carousing and coming back on board later. It might be worth while for Tiger to consider a compromise that allows him to still retain Buddha's expertise at golf, but get more sponsors to replace the few he lost, and allow him to get his life back together.

I might suggest Tiger examines what he really wants out of life. Then choose the ones that don't conflict with each other (such as, apparently, wife and/or several cocktail waitresses). I would advise him to look into getting an endorsement from the Christian Broadcasting Network, but have a lawyer write up the contract in such a way that Buddha is not thrown off his game. The CBN may be reluctant to sponsor a part-time Buddhist to the tune of 4 million a year, but if it boosts their sales of miracle water by 20 million, then everybody's happy. I'm sure Tiger Woods can do a teary "genuine" Christian confession on CBN. Things like that have been done before. I would not be at all surprised to find out the dapper Brit Hume has a few women hiding in the shrubbery, and is already thinking about his own exit strategy.

Picture: I photoshopped a triumphant Buddha into a golf cup because I couldn't find any decent pics on the internet of Buddha putting or driving.


  1. Brit Hume proselytizing on TV ... shock!

    If Fauxnews was really 'fair and balanced' Dawkins would get equal time.

  2. Brit Hume denied proselytizing on TV. Jon Stewart, Tuesday for the second night comes back to the topic.

    "Of course it's not proselytizing. He's not saying Tiger Woods badly needs to come to Jesus to save his soul. [Interrupted by video of Brit saying exactly that, Jon Stewart makes another attempt] But being accused of proselytizing when all Brit Hume has done is follow to the letter the dictionary definition of proselytizing, isn't the worst of what has happened now to Brit Hume..."

    The Daily Show with Jon Stewart