Monday, November 15, 2010

I Speak Directly to God

This is a humour piece, and I wrote it because it seems more and more Christian religions are saying that magic and witchcraft exist. Even the Catholic Church seems to be getting in to the act, by recruiting priests to do exorcisms. So, because I wanted to know the truth, and because "if you can't beat them, join them", here is my own conversation with God on the subject.

My sister, who is a Born Again believer suggested in an email a while back that I talk to God.

"I recommend this, that you simply communicate with God directly. Tell Him you are interested in knowing the truth. Is Jesus the only hope for humanity? Is the Bible His Word? Am I lost forever without Jesus? Something like that. And since God doesn't care for mere curiosity, tell Him you are willing to accept truth as He reveals it to you. If your can agree with that prayer, try it."

I never thought of speaking to God directly, but she was right. If God could take the time to talk to charlatans like Peter Popoff, Benny Hinn and Pat Robertson, I figured He might welcome a break to talk to me. I thought why not try, and it would make my sister happy. I didn't get an answer right away, so I asked her how long I should wait, and she said "Give Him time and expect Him to answer you."

"So while I'm giving Him time, is it OK if I continue to bash Pat Robertson in my blog, or does that interfere with the process?"

When I got my chance to talk to God, I could not see God, and I didn't even hear Him, instead, the thoughts just popped into my head. So I have no proof it was God, but then I never saw Pat Robertson produce any Polaroids of God, or recordings of his conversations with God either.

This is how the conversation went.

I: God, will you speak to me?

God: Go ahead. This is God.

I: (Utterly shocked) I forgot what I was going to say.

God: You were going to ask me if witchcraft and black magic exist.

I: How did you know?

God. I read your blog regularly. Oh yeah, also I am omniscient. Anyhow, continue.

I: Do witchcraft and black magic exist?

God: No. They are made up by people. Along with all spells and demonic possessions.

I: So for sure I don't need an exorcism or anything?

God: Well if demon possessions don't exist, why would you think you need an exorcism to cure it?

I: OK Next question. Did you write the bible?

God: No, but there are a few things in it that I believe, if you know what you're looking for.

I: Is Pat Robertson going to hell?

God: There is no hell, and for that reason, and only that reason, no.

I: How can I be sure I am talking to God right now, and that I'm not talking to myself?

God: Maybe if you ask me some better questions?

I: It seems kind of suspicious to me that you seem to agree with all my previous beliefs.

God: I admit, it's a bit of a coincidence. Unless, of course, you are God but don't know it. Then you could talk to yourself and talk to God at the same time.

I: Am I God?

God: No. But you are still concerned that I am echoing your thoughts. Would it help if I disagreed with you?

I: Yes, that would help.

God: So ask another question.

I: Was Darwin right about evolution?

God: He made a lot of mistakes. But the biggest was where he got the whole thing backwards.

I: Wow, Darwin got it backwards. What do you mean?

God: Monkeys evolved from humans. Otherwise he was pretty close.

I: Well, that was not what I thought, so maybe I am not talking to myself after all.

God: There you go.

I: Could you give me a prediction of the future to prove I am really talking to you?

God: I could, just don't ask for lottery numbers or stock market insider information.

I: How about predicting who will win the Stanley Cup?

God: Well, not the Leafs, that's for sure.

I: Could you be more specific?

God: Do you want to give me the name of a team and make them win, or do you just want my prediction?

I: OK Just predict who is going to win this season.

God: Vancouver continues to build to their very strong lineup. Keith Ballard was picked up in a trade with Florida during the NHL draft last weekend.Then much sought after Dan Hamhuis was signed as a free agent on July 1. Then the team added some role players - Manny Malhotra and Joel Perreault, and Jeff Tambellini. Cody Hodgson has done everything there is to do in junior hockey and is likely to make the Canucks out of training camp. But likely the best move was to let Kyle Wellwood and Pavel Demitra leave through free agency. So I would say Vancouver.

I: So Vancouver Canucks then?

God: Yes, they will win.

I: So if they actually win, I'll know I was talking to God. If not, I am just listening to voices in my head.

God: That's right. Well, I have to go now. That pest Pat Robertson is on the other line. May Me be with you.

I: Thanks. See you again in June when the playoffs are over. Or maybe not, if the Canucks don't win.

Footnote: The discussion of the Canucks came from the blog "The Curse of Frank Mahovlich"

Picture: Direct line to God at Burning Man festival, link below. That is not me in the picture, I would be just waiting my turn.


  1. robert you are on the right track lord is there 24-7-365 to answer your tough life questions gotta ask to receive.our free SPREAD THE WORD TALK WITH THE LORD PROGRAM inspires daily talks get our cool song lyrics free g. hubbard p.o. box 2232 ponte vedra fl 32004